A Valuable Lesson

I would love to have that violin. Pink and yellow polka dots. It was just meant to be!
Side note done with, here's my actual post. Yes, the polka-dot vioin is involved. In a way. This past Saturday was my private teacher's annual "Prep for Federation" concert. She does this every year to help get all the jitters out before you go perform your solo in front of judges. Usually, I don't have any sort of problem with this. Usually, I've secretly learned my piece a long time ago, and I'm just being lazy in lessons.
Not this time. For some reason, Mozart's Concerto No. 4 in D Major eludes me. Totally and completely. And this makes no sense! All of the notes are logical, all of the rhythms follow through precisely. It's Mozart, the most technically composer possibly ever for crying out loud! It's my hands and my mind. My mind comprehends the notes, my hands vaguely comprehend how they're supposed to move. But put the two together, and for some reason, they struggle on this piece. I secretly blame it on all of the 1/16th and the 1/8th notes that make me come off the string. For years, I've known spicatto (for you non-string players, that is off the string and bouncy sounding) and string crossings (back and forth across 2 or more strings) are not my strong point. So, it would logically follow that I would put all of my efforts into practicing this concerto and mastering these techniques.
Well, logic has failed me once again! Life happens. What with AP classes, string quartets and Utah Youth, and trying to keep some sort of a social life and/or hobbies (other than music) I only get an hour per day in om average. I should be breaking my butt right now practicing. Instead I'm blogging. See? I'm very good at avoiding the inevitable.
Of course I already know this. Friday night, I was having a near-hysterical outburst after dinner because I knew I wasn't ready for the concert the next day. And even Saturday morning, I was spending all of my time worrying about the concert.
Truthfully, I learned several lessons on Saturday. First and foremost, I learned that practice is essential, and it's not just how much you practice, it's WHAT you practice.
Second, I learned that letting your nerves get to you is not helpful to making you feel good about a performance you're not prepared for. Watching the recording afterwards, I looked like I was about to burst into tears up on the stage because I was so nervous that I heard every mistake and it added to my nerves. Besides that, I made tons of mistakes I've NEVER made before, all because I was so terrified to mess up!
Lastly, I learned that we really are our own worst judges. As I said above, my parents recorded the entire performance. (No, that will not make its way online). I freely admit that for the majority of the piece, I was so nervous my fingers missed notes left and right. However, my rhythms (when the notes were there) were accurate, and I had good tone when I wasn't shaking so hard that my bow only quivered above the string.
I think that overall, I've really learned this week not to be so hard on myself. One bad performance won't determine my life as a violinist or as a person. No one is perfect. No, it's much more important to just enjoy the moment, which I really wish I'd found it in me to do on Saturday. Hopefully when I get another shot this Saturday at Federation, I'll feel more confident and at ease as I massacre it again. Wish me luck!